Within the next few days, I’ll be making a pretty big decision on what path I’m going to take next in my life. Noy exactly gonna go into details but there’s absolutely no way I could even possibly hit a lower point than I already have now. Like i said, no details but like ya boy probably will never fully recover from what he put himself through for meaningless bullshit caused by misfortune and selfish people. I guess we all do what we gotta do but this is probably going to be what pushes me to finally do what I’ve flirted with doing since I was old enough to experience depression and trauma. On an alternative note, i may just pick up, take off on my own, without anyone at all and just give it one more push to see if I still fail. Excuse the negativity but I feel like a total failure no matter what.
I was told today that i have a very endearing, genuine aura but that it was being consumed by a center of grey. Guess I was right, losing myself just like she lost hers huh?
There’s one thing that would keep me here deep down. She would keep me here. But i need to go and not look back because i know im just going to look stupid when she chooses him again and again. I can’t continue questioning what it is that isn’t good enough anymore. Fixin it or endin it 2k19
Sudden realizations hit me like a brick just now. It’s hard to be happy if you get complacent in your own personal progress. That doesn’t only apply to my transition but my personal growth as a human. Specifically though, I’ve become so complacent in my progress with my changes and progress that I haven’t made any steps towards top or bottom surgery. Granted, I don’t have much of a chest anyway and get away quote well with minimal kt tape, but I’d like to not even have to purchase that anymore.
It just seems like I can’t for some reason motivate myself to move forward. Depression? Most definitely, but I’ve become so used to it at this point that everything is numb now.
My parents always told me when I was a kid after I would get in trouble that I always “live for the moment.” Well, they were right. That’s one thing that hasn’t changed from the time i was 2 to now 21. Is it something I should change? Probably so. There’s a lot of things about myself I should change but I’m so stuck and don’t know how to break free.
I find myself constantly wishing that this particular life in my cycle would end and I move onto the next life. It’s actually almost like I am done progressing in this life and learned a significant lesson on my path to my own destiny. However, at the same time I feel so stuck in a limbo-esque state of wHat ThE fUcK iS gOiNg On???
Thoughts and questions always welcomed. Would love to interact with any readers and followers 🙂
What if I hadn’t been on meth when we got together?
What if we hadn’t lost ourselves to the first thing we considered “ours?”
What if you sent that DM on instagram at a different time in my life?
My name is Korey, and I let a lousy drug tear the love of my life and I apart.
Nobody understands what I’ve put myself through mentally for the last year. Nobody will ever understand how much I still love her. Not even her. I miss the way she used to look at me. I miss the routine we used to have. I miss getting off work and walking out the doors to my beautiful girlfriend who i thought i was gonna end up calling my wife.
Love don’t always have a happy ending.
Sometimes, love ends in ruin.
Sometimes, love just doesn’t work.
Sometimes, you meet the right person at the wrong time.
Lastly, i wish she truly knew how much i love her and that she’s always gonna have this fucked up heart of mine. No matter what happens, no matter how broken that heart is, it’s in her grasp. The thing is, I want her to have it for as long as i live.
Imagine feeling such a disconnect with yourself no matter how you have sex, no matter which gender you sleep with, every time you have sex you just dissociate completely. I remember struggling with even the thought of a sexual encounter as a early pubescent kid. It’s not that I necessarily dislike or get no excitement over sex. Trust me, I do. Sometimes I have the sex drive of a goddamn energized rabbit.
But still no matter what there’s an underlying feeling there of my mind and body just completely seperating. One time it could be mild while the next time it could be intense and send me into a manic episode. Any thoughts from readers having similar experiences?
So recently I discovered this investing app called robinhood. I’m in love with it because I’ve always been intrigued by investing and the fluctuation of the stock market. All I had to do was sign up and I got FREE stock. You have a chance at getting stock worth anywhere from $2.50 to $200. The stocks you have usually go up and this can be a really nice way to save for surgeries and get it done faster. I mean, you’re already going to put that money into a savings account so why not invest that money and watch it grow?
If you’re interested in trying it out help me out a bit by using my link here so we both get free stocks for the referral. 🙂
Hi, the name’s Korey. I’m shy, obnoxious, anxious, and outgoing all at the same time. I’m not like most trans guys in my community. I’m not easily offended, I’m secure in my masculinity, and my bottom dysphoria is actually ten times worse than my top dysphoria. I’ve noticed that isn’t a common trend with trans men and is usually the reversed. Sun is in Pisces, moon is in libra, and I’m a rising Aquarius.
Well this is just my introduction so I’ll let you learn a bit more about me along my future posts!
Ooooh and fun fact about me: Im obsessed with bow ties and futons.